Unsteady
by Bryn Elizabeth
Summary: Jamie and Eddie are blissfully, happily married, and thrilled to find out they're having a baby. But in what should be the best part of their lives, things get hard when Eddie's battle with postpartum depression is one she's not sure she can win.
1. Mama, Come Here

**A/N: Here it is, my Big Jamko Fic. So much credit goes to Susan Kushner Resnick's book, _Sleepless Days_ , which was my biggest source of research- and to my faithful beta, AtLoLevad. **

* * *

Eddie walked into the precinct, smiling as a young uniformed officer greeted her. "Detective Reagan! You looking for Sarge?" She nodded in confirmation and he continued, "he's in the break room."

She thanked the officer and headed to where he had indicated, finding her husband finishing up a granola bar.

"Hey, Reagan, you got a second to take a walk? Outside?"

"Yeah, what's up? How was the doctor?" he asked, hurrying to keep up with her as she walked quickly through the precinct.

"Well, I don't have the flu," she answered, grinning.

"That's good," he said, pushing the door open. He smiled back at her involuntarily, slightly confused by her good mood—she had been exhausted, dizzy, and nauseous for days, and when he had finally convinced her to go to the doctor that morning, she didn't seem to be feeling any better. "So what is it?"

She didn't respond, instead looking around to see if the coast was clear before taking his wrist and pulling him a few feet farther away from the building.

"Eddie, what's going on?"

She stopped and turned to face him, her smile turning into a little laugh.

"Jamie, I'm pregnant."

"What? Are you serious?"

She nodded, tearing up as she took in the shocked look on his face. "Yeah."

"We're having a baby?"

She giggled. "We're having a baby."

He picked her up then, spinning her around on the spot.

"Jamie!" she warned, putting a hand on his chest to steady herself as he put her down—her dizziness and nausea hadn't disappeared just because of her happiness.

"Sorry, I just—we're having a baby!"

He moved his hands to the sides of her face, kissing her lips, her forehead, her nose, and her lips again. He pulled back—both looking at each other with bright smiles and damp eyes—leaving their foreheads touching.

"God, Eddie, I love you."

"I love you, too, Jamie."

He placed his hand softly on her stomach, rubbing his thumb back-and-forth over her t-shirt.

"And I already love you, little one."

Eddie smiled, placing her hand over his.

* * *

As soon as they finished saying Grace, Linda pointed her fork at Jamie and Eddie, accusing.

"You two are practically foaming at the mouth. Spill it."

"What?" Danny asked, confused.

"Jamie and Eddie," Linda explained. "Something's going on."

"I noticed it, too," Erin agreed. "Out with it."

Jamie shook his head. "Nuh-uh. You have to wait until after dinner."

Nicki smiled, raising her eyebrows. "So there _is_ something."

"Well, we can't wait now," Henry said.

"Yeah, come on, tell us," Jack chimed in.

Eddie frowned at him. "Not you, too."

"Come on, guys," Erin begged. Jamie and Eddie both tightened their lips, shaking their heads, and Erin turned to Frank. "Dad, make them tell us."

"No," Eddie insisted, and Frank sighed.

"Is this going to keep me from eating my dinner in peace?"

Jamie leaned back in his chair, rolling his eyes. "Fine."

"Jamie!" Eddie scolded.

"We might as well just tell them now."

"You're such a pushover." She tried to look stern, but broke into a wide grin. "Okay."

He smiled back. "You want to tell 'em?"

"Come _on_!" Linda said loudly. "You're killing me here."

"Alright." He paused dramatically, and everyone leaned in. "We, uh…"

"Uncle Jamie!" Nicki laughed.

"Eddie's pregnant!" he announced finally.

Everyone around the table cheered in excitement, talking over each other to offer their congratulations.

"I knew it," Linda claimed. "I knew it."

"Hey, Aunt Eddie, now you won't be the newest Reagan," Sean observed.

"Or the smallest," Danny teased.

* * *

Eddie yawned, her head dropping onto Jamie's shoulder. "I don't think I can make it through this movie, lambchop."

"You wanna go to bed?"

She shook her head. "It's so early. I'm just exhausted, like all the time."

"Yeah, I imagine that growing a human takes a lot of energy."

She smiled. "That makes it sound pretty badass."

"It _is_ pretty badass."

"Except for the part where I'm tired and emotional all the time."

He looked her up and down, shrugging. "Your new boobs are pretty nice."

She whacked him in the chest. "Reagan!"

* * *

"You've gotta lighten up there, Jamie," Eddie said, looking at the death grip he had on her arm.

"Sorry." He loosened his hold. "I'm just excited."

The ultrasound technician smiled. "You two ready?"

They both nodded, and she placed the wand on Eddie's stomach. Suddenly, the room was filled with a quiet but steady heartbeat.

"Oh, my god," Jamie whispered, tears threatening him, and Eddie could only smile.

"Your baby's heartbeat is strong," the tech told them. "Would you like to see your baby?"

"Yeah!" Eddie squeezed Jamie's hand, and he flinched.

"Fingernails!"

"Sorry. I got excited."

"Okay. It's small, but look right here." The technician pointed to a small circle onscreen. "There's your baby."

Jamie's tears won then, and Eddie laughed at him through her own. "I'm pregnant and super hormonal. What's with you?"

"Shut up. I'm just excited."

"Would you like copies of the pictures?" the tech asked.

"Yes, please," Jamie answered.

"Your family is gonna _flip_ , Reagan. It doesn't even look like a baby yet and they'll all want their own copies."

* * *

"Ooh," she said, spying the Chinese restaurant next to the bodega. "Egg rolls. How about you grab like six of them?"

He blinked at her. "I thought you wanted ice cream."

"I do. But I also want egg rolls. And I probably can't go in there because it smells." She batted her eyelashes. "Please, sweet husband of mine?"

"You're ridiculous."

"Reagan, I'm eating for two!"

"Yeah, except our baby needs some actual nutrition."

She pouted, and he sighed.

"Okay, fine."

* * *

"Did you know that our baby is now the size of a brussel sprout?" Jamie asked.

Eddie looked down at her stomach, which was just beginning to poke out over the waistband of her pajama pants. She patted it softly before climbing into bed. Jamie reached out his arm, signaling for her to come sit up against him. She laid her head on his chest, and he wrapped his arm around her, returning his hand to the other side of the baby book he was reading.

"I say this becomes our Sunday night tradition," he said. "We'll read the chapter for that week, learn about how big the baby is and what's happening to it."

"Who said married life isn't hot and exciting?" Eddie asked, then kissed him on the underside of his jaw.

"The baby has fingernails and toenails now. That's pretty exciting."

She giggled into his chest. "Read the chapter to me."

* * *

Eddie pulled away from the kiss with a noise of surprise, sitting back on Jamie's lap.

"What?" he asked.

"I think I felt the baby move!"

"Really?" He pulled his hand from her back to her stomach, and she frowned.

"I don't think you'll be able to feel it yet. It feels like this," she leaned forward, brushing her eyelashes against his cheek in butterfly kisses, "in my belly." She giggled into his cheek. "It tickles."

"Yeah?"

"Hey, don't look so sad." She ran her hand through the hair on the back of his head. "You'll be able to feel it soon. It's only a little mango right now, you can't expect very much out of it yet."

He smiled at her, rubbing his thumb over the small swell underneath her t-shirt. "Okay, little mango. Get nice and big and strong for Daddy." He looked up at Eddie. "Why do all of the books compare the baby to food every week?"

"Because, trust me, food is all pregnant women think about."

"Eddie, food is all you thought about _before_ you were pregnant."

She rolled her eyes, ignoring him. "Other than these damn leg cramps, that is."

"Do you want me to massage your legs?"

She shook her head. "No, I want you to make out with me."

Jamie shrugged. "I can do that."

* * *

Jamie held Eddie's hand with both of his, the two of them watching silently while the ultrasound technician rolled the wand over Eddie's stomach, checking on the baby.

"Well, Mr. and Mrs. Reagan, everything looks great. Your baby is healthy and growing."

Eddie and Jamie let out sighs of relief, and Jamie pulled Eddie's hand to his lips, kissing her knuckles.

"Would you like to know the gender?" the tech asked.

"Yeah," Eddie said, squeezing Jamie's hand.

"Here." The tech moved the wand around until she got the image she wanted, and then pointed at the screen. "You're having a baby girl."

Eddie covered her mouth with her free hand and Jamie leaned into their intertwined hands, resting his cheek against them.

"A baby girl," he repeated, awestruck. "We're having a baby girl."

* * *

"So this week was your twenty week scan?" Linda asked, cutting into her chicken.

Danny looked up. "Ooh, isn't that the big one?"

"That's the gender scan," Erin explained.

"So?" Henry nodded in their direction. "You find out?"

"And when were you planning on telling us?" Frank asked.

"Wow." Eddie leaned back in her chair, putting her water glass down. "Did you two get grilled every week when you were pregnant?"

Erin and Linda nodded enthusiastically.

"Oh, yeah."

"And their mom was the worst about it," Linda added.

"So?" Nicki asked. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"Yeah, tell us!" Sean begged.

"Yes, we found out," Eddie said, and everyone looked at her expectantly.

"We found out that _I_ … am going to be outnumbered," Jamie announced, smiling proudly.

"Aw, it's a girl!" Danny smiled.

"Yay!" Nicki exclaimed. "I won't be the only girl anymore!"

* * *

"Jamie?" she asked through the dark. "Are you asleep?"

"Yes."

"Ja- _mie_ ," she whined.

"Mmmm."

"You're going to want to wake up for this."

"Am I really?" he asked, turning on his side to face her without opening his eyes.

"Yes." She took his hand and pressed it to the top of her belly, where the baby kicked. "Can you feel it? I thought it might be strong enough now."

"Yeah, I can!" He grinned, sitting up. "Hey. Hey there, little girl." He used his other hand to brush Eddie's hair out of her face, putting his forehead to hers.

"She always moves more when you're talking," Eddie told him. "I noticed that from the very beginning."

"Yeah?" He bent down so that he was eye level with her stomach. "You know your daddy already, huh?" The baby responded with more kicks against his palms, and he sat back. "Wow," he breathed, tears in his eyes.

* * *

Eddie sat up in bed with a jolt, reaching for Jamie.

"Oh god, oh god, oh god," she panted, and he woke up quickly.

"Babe, what's wrong? What is it?"

"Nightmare," she whispered. "It was horrible." She took a deep breath, and he rubbed her back, squeezing her thigh with his other hand.

"It's okay. It was just a dream. It's over." She nodded, and he massaged the back of her neck. "Want to tell me about it?"

She shrugged. "You—something happened to you, and you… you were gone." She looked like she might cry, and he moved closer, pulling her into his side.

"Hey, hey. I'm not going anywhere, babe."

* * *

"I gotta put the crib together," Jamie said, taking a long sip from his beer. "I took a look at the directions, and they make absolutely no sense."

Danny nodded. "Yeah, I remember that. Tell you what, I'll come over and give you a hand."

"Thanks, Danny."

"You know, you'll have a lot less time to spend drinking beer with me when that kid gets here."

"You told me that right before I got married, too."

Danny shrugged. "And I was right, wasn't I?"

* * *

"Damn, Eddie." Jamie closed the front door behind him. "How long have you been cleaning today?"

She looked up from the stain on the carpet in front of the couch that she was scrubbing at. "It's called nesting and I feel like a crazy person."

"What can I do to help?"

"Well, I washed like five loads of laundry but I got tired of folding about halfway through."

"I'm on it."

"You're the best."

"I know."

He sat down on the couch, reaching for the closest pile, which was made up of small, mostly pink clothes. He held up a sleeper, laying it out across his arm.

"It's so tiny," he mused. "I guess she will be, too."

Eddie put down the rag she was using, leaning against the couch. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, rubbing her hand around the large curve of it.

"She doesn't feel that tiny."

"Eh, it's only because you're so tiny," he teased.

She laughed. " _I_ definitely do not feel tiny. Look at my ankles."

He chuckled, sliding off the couch to sit next to her on the floor.

"I just… it feels more real every day. And these little pink clothes, just," he shrugged, "whew."

"Excited?" Eddie asked.

"So excited. And nervous."

"Me, too." She laid her head on his shoulder, and he wrapped an arm around her. "I can't wait for her to be here, and I'm terrified, all at the same time." She rubbed his thigh, looking up at him. "You are going to be the best dad in the world, Jamie Reagan. She's so lucky. I'm so lucky."

He kissed the top of her head, laying his free hand on her stomach. " _I'm_ so lucky." He rubbed her belly, leaning his head against hers. "My girls."


	2. This House

**A/N: My goal is to post weekly (this chapter took longer because I went on vacation). All reviews are very much appreciated!**

* * *

As Jack reached for a second helping of mashed potatoes, Eddie winced again, twisting in her chair. The others looked up, watching her closely, and when the pain passed, she waved them off.

"It's just Braxton-Hicks," she said, and Linda shook her head.

"Something tells me those aren't Braxton-Hicks, honey. Jamie, you should be timing these."

Just a few minutes later, Eddie looked down, squeezing her eyes shut. Jamie checked his watch, and then offered her his hand, letting her squeeze it as she breathed through the contraction. The whole table stopped eating, looking at her in concerned silence.

"Please, just eat your dinner," Eddie told them once it had passed. "I feel like a sideshow. Plus, the talking is a good distraction."

"Seven minutes," Jamie said, checking his watch again.

"Keep eating as much as you can," Linda smirked. "You're going to need some strength tonight."

* * *

The Reagans were an impatient bunch, pacing in the waiting room while Eddie got set up and settled in. When Jamie came out to fetch them, they all filed into the hospital room she was assigned, trying to find spots in chairs, against the wall, and on the windowsill. They chatted off and on, stopping in awkward silence every time a contraction came around.

Eventually, as progression seemed to come at a snail's pace, Eddie gave in and opted for the epidural. She began to doze off, exhausted from the past few hours, and the Reagans began to check their watches, looking at how late it was and thinking of early morning wake up calls.

"I think we're just going to try and get some sleep," Jamie explained in a hushed voice, seeing Eddie struggle to stay awake to talk with everyone. "It's going to be a while. You should all go home—I'll call if anything changes."

"I'm on starting at nine," Linda told them. "I'll come check on you as much as I can."

* * *

"Morning," Linda greeted, handing Jamie a cup of coffee as she walked into the hospital room. "How was the night?"

Jamie shrugged. "Not bad. They kept her pretty drugged up, so we got some sleep."

"Except for them coming in here every hour to poke and prod me," Eddie grumbled.

"Any news on how things are moving?"

"Slow."

Jamie shrugged. "The contractions are constant, but her water still hasn't broken, so they're gonna come in and break it soon. Then we'll see."

* * *

"I've been fielding texts all day from everyone from the last name Reagan, because they apparently don't want to bother you but are fine with bothering me," Linda told them. "It's three o'clock. Still nothing?"

Jamie shook his head. "They said they'll start her on Pitocin soon if nothing changes. It's just a lot of waiting."

Linda nodded. "Eddie, make sure they keep that epidural on. Pitocin is no joke."

"Oh, don't worry."

"Did you two eat something?"

"A snack," Eddie answered. "I'm starving. These ice chips aren't cutting it."

"Okay, I'll head down to the cafeteria and bring you guys back something."

* * *

When evening rolled around, the Reagans began to arrive as the doctor told Eddie and Jamie—finally—that it was almost time to meet their baby. None could believe that they had worked full days and still had to wait, but the excitement in the room was palpable.

"I know this doesn't seem like a good thing now," Erin told Eddie on her way out of the room, "but when she's a teenager, you'll be able to hold this over her head all the time. 'I was in labor with you for over twenty-four hours…'"

Linda was the last to leave, and Eddie turned to her suddenly, calling her name. "I know we didn't talk about this, but… could you stay?"

"Of course." She took Eddie's other side, giving Jamie a thumbs-up.

* * *

"You can do it, Eddie," Jamie coached. "You're almost there." He brushed some hair, wet with perspiration, out of her face with his free hand. "You're doing great."

"Give me one more good one," the doctor urged, and Eddie leaned forward, squeezing Jamie's hand with all of her might.

Suddenly, a sharp cry filled the room, and the doctor smiled, holding up a squalling pink infant.

"It's a girl!" she announced.

Eddie fell back against the pillows, panting, and Jamie leaned forward to kiss her forehead, tears in his eyes.

"You did it, babe. You're amazing."

Linda slipped out quietly as the doctor placed the baby on Eddie's chest, and she brought her hands up to cradle her.

"Oh my god," Eddie whispered. "Hi there, little one."

Jamie rubbed the crown of the baby's head with his thumb, leaning down to take a good look at her.

"Hi, baby," was all he could say through his overjoyed tears.

* * *

The Reagans took up almost an entire waiting room, and all jumped up from their seats when Linda walked in.

"It's a healthy baby girl," she told them. "Mom and baby were doing fine. They're all getting to know each other in there, and I'm sure they'll come get us when they're ready."

* * *

About an hour after Linda, Jamie walked into the Reagan waiting room, meeting eight excited faces.

"It's a girl!" he announced. "Seven pounds, eleven ounces, born at 7:35 pm."

Jamie made his way around the room, hugging each member of his family, taking their congratulations with a bright smile affixed to his face.

"Does she have a name?" Danny asked.

He nodded. "Katherine Rose Reagan."

"How's Eddie?" Frank asked.

"She's good. You can all come in and see them, _if_ ," he looked at Danny and Erin,"you promise to stay calm."

* * *

Eddie sat in the bed, dwarfed in one of Jamie's Harvard sweatshirts, the baby in her lap.

Frank, of course, had first claim to the baby, lifting her gently from Eddie's arms into his own.

"She is just beautiful, you two."

Katherine made her way around, from Frank to Henry to Danny to Linda to Erin to Nicki to Jack to Sean, each cooing at her and declaring that she was the prettiest baby in the world.

"Got some of these," Frank said when the baby made her way back to her mother, showing Jamie a handful of cigars.

The men headed outside to smoke their cigars, the women opting to stay in the room and drink a bottle of sparkling grape juice Erin had brought in, Katherine sleeping in her clear plastic crib.

* * *

"Hey, I've been thinking." Eddie said as she and Jamie, alone again, sat in the hospital bed, the baby in her lap.

"Yeah?"

"You know how we were gonna call her Katie? I don't think she looks like a Katie."

"No?"

"No. I think she just looks like a Katherine."

* * *

Jamie and Eddie were sent home late the next afternoon to a fridge full of food stocked by the family, but to a home without doctors and nurses to take care of Eddie and Katherine around the clock. They were officially on their own with a newborn, officially parents.

The first night, Eddie fell asleep quickly, then woke up soon after just as quickly, sitting up to look at the bassinet on the other side of the bed.

"She's still breathing," Jamie reassured. "I haven't been able to stop watching her yet."

"Newborn fog" was a great term for the first week at home with the baby—the days began to blur together, two hour stretches of sleeping blending in with seemingly endless nursing, countless diaper changes, and the baby's near-constant crying.

She cried all of the time. They knew that it was because it was her only way to communicate, but it seemed so incessant that it echoed in their ears even in the silence. It was like trying to figure out a secret code—was she hungry? In need of a diaper change? Too hot or too cold? They moved her, rocked her, held her. Eddie felt like Katherine was continually attached to her breast, leaving her especially at the baby's beck and call, unable to do anything but sit on the couch or bed and nurse.

When Eddie nursed during the day, Jamie felt like he needed to be doing something productive, like washing dishes or doing laundry. At night, he felt like he needed to lay there and talk to her, keeping her company in the dark.

Jamie insisted that they put the bassinet on his side of the bed so that when Katherine woke up to eat during the night, he would be forced to wake up to hand her over to Eddie so that Eddie wasn't the only one awake—at least until he went back to work.

When Katherine's cries started, quiet and mewling, Jamie—already a light sleeper—lifted her gently out of the bassinet and put her in the middle of the bed. Eddie would roll over and coax the baby to her breast, staying mostly asleep as Katherine ate. The first few times, Jamie was still mesmerized by his baby daughter, watching and stroking some part of her. But eventually, sleep deprivation caught up to him, and he would lay there, almost asleep, until Eddie told him to put Katherine back.

* * *

Jamie slept on the couch, Katherine on his chest, His hand covered almost her entire back, and she was sound asleep, sighing contentedly. Eddie couldn't believe how full her heart felt—like it might burst completely out of her chest. She snapped several pictures with her phone.

* * *

Eddie looked at herself in the mirror—greasy hair pulled up into a bun, prominent dark circles underneath her eyes, old t-shirt stained with breast milk and spit-up—and couldn't help but laugh.

"I might pass out onto my plate if we have to go to Sunday Dinner," Jamie called from the bedroom, and she breathed a huge sigh of relief at not having to be the one to say it.

* * *

The breast pump was a magical invention, Eddie decided—she had never been so grateful for Erin's advice on anything. Even if Jamie took over just one feeding a day, that was an extra hour or two of sleep _at least_. If he took one during the day, and she took one at night without waking him up, they could each get a four hour stretch of sleep and feel a little bit more like real humans. Maybe if she got four hours of sleep, she would have the energy to deal with the growing laundry pile (she silently thanked God for the large amounts of baby clothes and blankets they had been given, though they had wondered before Katherine's arrival what they would do with all of it), or to actually enjoy a meal, or to at the very least get rid of the pounding headache always at her temples.

Jamie was grateful for the one feeding he got each day, her warm little body snuggled in the crook of his elbow, her blue eyes looking up at him.

"Hey, sweet girl," he whispered. "I am so glad that God picked me to be your daddy. I love you so much."

* * *

Eddie fought with herself every time someone asked to come over. They always said they would watch the baby while she and Jamie slept or showered, or they would help around the house, but she would be a terrible hostess if she let them do that—and at the very least, she didn't want to have anyone over while she looked like such a mess.

As this was the fourth baby Reagan (and as every other adult had at least once been where they were), the family knew exactly what distance to keep. As much as they may have wanted to, they didn't swarm the house, and they made sure that they were as helpful as they could be.

One night, Eddie watched Linda easily put dinner together while holding Katherine, and she laid her head down on the table.

"Please tell me that I will reach your expert level of mom someday."

"You changing diapers, kid?" Danny asked, a warning in his voice.

"Of course," Jamie answered. "Eddie has to feed her, so I try to change her most of the time."

"Ooh, good boy," Linda praised.

On another evening, Frank scolded them. "I remember how to take care of a baby. With a bottle in the fridge, we're good for several hours. Go take a nap, you two."

Henry, holding the baby on the couch, offered her his finger, grinning when Katherine held on to it.

"That's a good Reagan grip she's got."

The night before Jamie went back to work, Erin offered her laundry folding services.

"Does it get easier?" Eddie asked her.

Erin smiled. "Eventually."

* * *

 **A/N: Just a heads up—if you're enjoying this for the fluff and the cuteness… this is about where it ends. It's about to get very real.**


	3. Don't Feel Like Home

Nicki stopped in on her way home for the weekend, claiming that she got to see the baby the least since she was in school. She sat on the couch, cooing at the baby, trying to get Katherine to grab onto one of her fingers and celebrating when she did.

"Way to go, Katie!" she praised.

"Ooh, don't call her Katie," Jamie teased. "Eddie will get mad at you."

"I will not!" she snapped, and Jamie frowned.

"I was just messing with you," he said softly, before turning to Nicki. "We were going to call her Katie, but we decided that she seemed more like a Katherine."

"Ahh, I see," Nicki said. "Although it would be cute, for the girls to be Nicki and Katie." She smiled at Eddie, who gave a weak smile back.

"I don't want to hurt your feelings. Katie is fine."

"No," Nicki protested. "If her name is Katherine, then I'll call her Katherine."

* * *

As they left Katherine's first pediatrician's appointment, Eddie's head swirled with questions. Had the doctor looked concerned when she told her how much Katherine was eating? She struggled to remember the woman's facial expression. The doctor had commended her for breastfeeding, but did that mean that the one feeding per day that Katherine got via bottle (and Jamie) bad, even if it was breast milk, even if it gave the baby bonding time with her dad? Was Katherine really at a good weight, or was the nurse just saying that? Could the doctor tell how exhausted Eddie was, how hard this was for her? Was the doctor disappointed?

Eddie buckled Katherine into her car seat, making sure the chest clip was exactly where it was supposed to be, and making sure that Katherine's head didn't tilt too much in either direction. She double-checked that the seat was fastened the right way before she climbed into the passenger seat, leaning her head up against the warm glass of the window.

"You're awfully quiet," Jamie observed.

"I'm just tired," she said dismissively, internally worrying that Katherine may have picked something up at the doctor's office, even though they had come at the time the doctor usually reserved for babies, sat on the "well" side of the waiting room, and liberally used the hand sanitizer placed around the office.

What if Nicki brought something home from college? Or Danny, from a criminal he collared? Or even Jamie? She made a mental note to enforce hand washing before anyone handled the baby—just at least until she got vaccines, she told herself.

* * *

"You aren't getting enough sleep," Jamie said, ironically, as he sipped his morning mug of coffee.

Eddie eyed the caffeinated beverage with jealousy, thinking of how Katherine had dictated what she could eat and drink for nearly ten months and counting.

"Of course I'm not getting enough sleep," she said defensively. "I have a newborn."

* * *

As she sat on the couch, watching some lame made-for-TV movie, a sudden panic seized her. _Jamie_. What if something had happened to Jamie at work? What if he was hurt? Shot? Dead? It felt like something was sitting on her chest, keeping her from breathing. Her hands shook as she looked wildly around the room for her phone. Where was it? She needed it _now_.

She found it in the kitchen, messing up the passcode on the first two tries. Her heart beat in her ears, and it sounded like _Jamie, Jamie, Jamie_ , dread growing with each beat.

"Hello?" he answered after the second ring, and she fell back against the counter for support. "Eddie?" he asked.

"Are you okay?"

"I—yeah, Eddie, I'm fine. Is everything okay there?"

"Yeah, yeah, I just…" She leaned on her elbows on the counter, taking a deep breath. "I just got worried all of a sudden."

"About me?"

"Yeah." She shook her head, a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry. I know it's silly."

"I'm okay, Eddie," he reassured.

"Good. I love you."

"I love you, too."

He let her hang up first, tucking his phone back into his pocket, puzzled. They checked in with each other frequently while on the job, but she had never called him just to see if he was okay—and certainly not with that amount of panic in her voice.

* * *

She stood at the cutting board, knife in one hand and potato in the other, but she just couldn't do it. She didn't have the energy to lift the knife, to actually cut the potato. She looked around, at the pile of the dirty clothes in the basket that she had brought to the living room but couldn't bring herself to put in the washing machine. The place was a mess, and she had no dinner. Jamie was going to come home from a long day at work to a messy house and no dinner. She forced herself to cut the potato in half, and that seemed to take herculean effort.

When Jamie came home, she apologized almost as soon as he walked in the door.

"For what?" he asked, confused.

"I was going to clean. I was going to cook dinner. But I didn't."

He shrugged. "Okay. We can order some take-out. I was thinking about how much I wanted pizza anyway."

She shook her head. "No."

"You don't want pizza?"

"You worked hard, all day. I've just been here. You should get to come home to a clean house and a hot dinner."

He had to stop himself from laughing. "Eddie, never once in our marriage have I expected that, nor have you ever worried about that. Today is no different."

* * *

"I'm going to stop and grab some cheeseburgers," Jamie told her over the phone. "How many do you want?"

"Just a small one."

"Eddie Reagan, you've never eaten a small cheeseburger in your life," he laughed. "How many?"

"I'm not that hungry, Jamie."

"In all the years I've known you, you have never once said those words. Who are you?"

* * *

Jamie pushed a cup of coffee to her, and she looked at him, frowning and confused.

"I googled it," he explained. "It's okay to drink coffee when breastfeeding—just keep an eye on if it's making her cranky or keeping her awake more than usual." He shrugged. "Who knows? Maybe if it keeps her awake during the day, she'll sleep more through the night. Besides," he leaned down to kiss Eddie's cheek, "I've always liked you better _after_ your morning coffee."

She scowled, tracing the edge of the cup with her finger, the smell of it giving her a rush of desire.

"That's not a very nice thing to say," she grumbled, finally letting herself take hold of the mug's handle.

From the very first sip, she seemed to feel it moving through her veins, waking her up. She had energy, real energy. With coffee, she could do this. She could take care of Katherine and herself and the house.

She kissed Jamie good-bye, and then loaded the dishwasher, closing it with a satisfied bump of her hip. Next up was the master bathroom, which was about a week overdue for a good cleaning—she had still been pregnant, and in nesting mode, the last time it had been cleaned.

In the middle of wiping down the shower, Katherine started to wake up, making discontented sounds Eddie could hear through the open door. Eddie leaned her head up against the cool tile, willing the baby to go back to sleep and let her get stuff done. But no such luck—Katherine started to cry in earnest, and Eddie groaned, leaving the sponge and the cleaner in the tub in order to go tend to the baby.

* * *

Katherine was sound asleep, and Eddie moved toward the bathroom to take a shower, monitor in hand. She would put it next to the shower, keep it all the way turned up—and even then, Katherine usually slept at this time of day for at least two hours.

She undressed, and then she heard a noise coming from the monitor. She put it to her ear, to see if it continued, but Katherine was silent. She put the monitor down, and then a thought hit her—what if the noise was some kind of distress signal, and had stopped because something was wrong? She half-ran, completely nude, into the bedroom, putting a hand on Katherine's chest to feel the steady rise and fall of her breathing. When she was assured that the baby was fine, she went back to the bathroom, turning on the water.

As it ran, heating up, she fiddled with the monitor, making sure that it was as loud as it could go. She pressed it to her ear, listening to the soft static, trying to determine if she would be able to hear it over the noise of the shower. Unsatisfied, she begrudgingly got into the water, hot enough to turn her skin pink. She stood there for a moment, and then heard a noise. Was it Katherine? Eddie poked her head out of the shower, drying her hand off on the curtain to pull the monitor to her ear. Static. She waited a moment, heard nothing, and put it back. As she closed the curtain, the shampoo slipped off of the edge of the tub with a loud bang. Eddie knew that would wake Katherine up for sure, and groaned. Jamie would be home in a couple of hours anyway; she could shower then.

She dried off quickly, waiting for the crying to start, and pulled her t-shirt back on. When she finally reached the bassinet, Katherine was sound asleep, her fingers and eyelids twitching as she dreamed.

"What are you dreaming about?" Eddie whispered to her daughter. "What could you possibly have to dream about?"

Suddenly, the twitching stopped with a snorted breath, and Eddie's heart skipped a beat as she looked down at the baby for some sign of life. Katherine's chest rose and fell steady as ever, and Eddie sighed in relief, sitting down on the bed, just watching.

* * *

"Let's go to dinner tomorrow night, just you and me," Jamie suggested. "We can leave Katherine with Dad and Pops."

"Leave Katherine?" Eddie asked, incredulous. "Jamie, she's three weeks old."

"With Dad and Pops," he repeated. "She'll be fine."

"What kind of mom leaves her three-week-old baby to go to dinner? What kind of mother will your dad and grandpa think I am?"

Jamie looked confused. "A good one, who needs a break. One who gets to spend time with her husband, even after having a baby." He stroked her arm softly. "Come on, I just want to spend some time with you."

She pulled her arm away. "I can't have sex with you yet, Jamie."

"Whoa, whoa." He held his hands up. "I know. I wasn't trying to—I just thought you might want some time away from the baby, some time to talk, just the two of us."

"I'm sorry." She took a deep breath. "That does sound nice. But maybe in like a week? I'm sure I'll have calmed down by them."

"Okay, we can wait a week."

* * *

Eddie's favorite feeding was the one right before bed, with Jamie lying lazily beside her. When Katherine finished, she looked up at her mother with big blue eyes, her eyelids blinking heavily over them, as if to say _thank you_.

After she burped her, Eddie rocked the baby, swaying the top of her body, waiting for Katherine's eyes to close completely. She ran a finger lightly over Katherine's forehead, down the slope of her nose, the fullness of her lips, and her small chin before bringing her hand to rest on the baby's chest, taking a moment to just look at her.

"I love being your mama," she whispered.

Jamie leaned over, kissing her shoulder. "You're so good at it."

Eddie shifted Katherine so that she was upright against her chest, kissing the top of her head.

 _See,_ she wanted to tell Jamie. _Look at me. I told you I'd get better._

* * *

Katherine took her bottle from Jamie first thing in the morning, when he woke up for work, in a strategy designed to allow Eddie to sleep for a few extra hours—throughout their marriage, Eddie found that some of her favorite mornings belonged to days where Jamie went in to work before she did, and she could snuggle in the covers, stretching out across his warm spot, while he showered and dressed.

When Jamie came out of the shower, Eddie was sitting up in bed, her phone in her hand.

"Hey," Jamie scolded. "Why are you awake?"

She shrugged. "I just am."

"You need some more sleep."

She looked down at her phone. "I got two hours and forty-five minutes straight through. That's practically three hours."

He shook his head. "No, it's been two hours and forty-five minutes since you last checked the clock, and that is not the same as a three hour stretch. Go back to sleep, Eddie. You need it."

"What about you?" she asked. "You're the one who goes to work all day. I just sit here."

"No, you don't. You take care of our daughter all day," he said gently. " _And_ that's why I slept through the last feeding. Besides, I don't need that much sleep."

"Neither do I," she argued. "I'm a detective."

"I know that, babe. But you also gave birth just a few weeks ago. You need some sleep."

She stared stubbornly at him, and he sighed, sitting next to her.

"Please? For me?"

She rolled her eyes, putting her phone back on the bedside table a little harder than was necessary.

"Fine."

* * *

Eddie sank into the couch, covering her eyes with her hand. Her breasts were sore—actually, she was sore all over, but her breasts seemed to be throbbing the most at the moment—her head ached, and Katherine was only sleeping in thirty-minute increments and crying in-between. She looked at the clock on the cable box, counting the time, down to the minute, until Jamie would get home. This was how she seemed to get through most days, from the moment he left. Two more hours until he got home. She could hold on for that long—except usually Katherine was asleep until then (this was how she looked at her day: Jamie was gone for nine or ten hours, which was three feedings, three naps, and four or five hours of the baby being awake).

He came home to the sound of the baby crying—real, strong, squalling cries—and headed in the direction of the bedroom. Eddie sat on the floor near the door, Katherine laying a few inches in front of her. Eddie's shoulders shook with quiet sobs, tears making shining tracks down her cheeks.

"Eddie, what's wrong?" he asked, and she struggled to catch her breath.

"It's been such a bad day. I can't get her to stop crying. I don't know what's wrong. She won't stop."

"Babe…" he leaned down and picked the baby up, bouncing her gently in his arms. She slowly quieted, Eddie doing the same. Jamie reached a hand down to the top of his wife's head. "Eddie, why don't you go lay down?"

"I'm her mom," she said quietly. "I should be able to get her to stop. Why couldn't I get her to stop?"

"Hey, hey," he soothed. "You're just overtired. It's okay. It's all okay."

* * *

Jamie took his lunch down to the District Attorney's office, sitting in front of his sister with a sandwich and wondering how to bring up his problems without making a big deal out of them.

"You guys coming to Sunday dinner?" she asked, and he silently thanked her for the easy in.

"I don't know yet. Eddie's still not sure if Katherine's old enough to be around everyone like that."

Erin nodded. "I understand."

"She's been… kind of weird since Katherine was born."

"Weird like exhausted because she just had a baby?" she asked, eyebrows raised in disapproval.

"I hope so," Jamie answered. "Or, I hoped you could tell me that it's just normal stuff."

Erin leaned back in her chair, pursing her lips in concern. "Like what?"

"Like… she gets frustrated really easily. With me." He chuckled. "More than usual, I mean."

"Well, we all get a little grumpy when we miss our beauty sleep."

"She's always worried, about everything and everybody. And yesterday, I came home and both Eddie and Katherine were on the floor of the nursery, crying." He shrugged. "I don't know. Something just seems off."

"I see." She nodded, thinking for a moment. "It's only been what, a month? Give her some more time. Let that newborn fog finish passing. Just, you know, help her out. Keep an eye on her."


	4. I'm A Little Unsteady

**A/N: I'm sorry that this chapter is late, but the Olympics have literally consumed me. Reviews are very much appreciated!**

* * *

"I bet Eddie agrees with me," Danny said. "Right?"

"Uh… what?" She looked up, eyes wide in confusion. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention." It was she and Jamie's first family dinner since Katherine's birth, and she was struggling to follow the conversation, her thoughts fuzzy and moving.

"That baby still keeping you up all night?" Henry asked with a chuckle.

"Yeah." Eddie smiled briefly. "I should go check on her, actually."

She moved to get up, and Jamie put a hand on her arm.

"Eddie, she's fine. We would have heard her through the monitor.

"Yeah, but—"

"Let her go," Erin said. "Sometimes a mom just needs to see for herself."

When he was sure she was out of earshot, Jamie leaned forward, talking softly.

"Is it normal for her to be worried all the time?"

"What do you mean?" Linda asked.

"Like, she's always hovering over Katherine, or checking on her if she's in the other room. And she calls me all the time at work, just to ask if I'm okay."

"Hm. I wouldn't have guessed Eddie would be a nervous mother," Linda said. "Although this is her first baby. That one's the scariest. The second one is much easier." She winked at Sean, who smiled smugly at his older brother.

"Do you think I should be worried about her?" Jamie asked.

"You kinda sound like you already are, kid," Danny observed.

* * *

Jamie rolled over, half-asleep. He could tell she was awake even with her back to him, her breathing shallow and uneven, her limbs shifting slightly. He draped an arm over her and pulled her against her chest, curving his body to fit to hers. She froze at his touch, feeling trapped and claustrophobic where she usually felt safe and warm.

"Hey," he whispered into her neck, his voice still slurred from sleep.

She tried to relax, telling all of her muscles to unclench, but she felt wound tight, restricted.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled, peeling his arm off from around her. "I'm just really warm and you're gonna make me sweat," she lied, hoping he would accept it at face value. She scooted closer to the edge of the bed, making a show of taking the comforter off.

* * *

Eddie was having a good morning. She felt well rested, and even energetic after a cup of coffee. She made a real breakfast, did two loads of laundry, waved brightly colored toys in front of Katherine's face, and took a shower, all before lunchtime. As she started to get hungry again, she lifted Katherine high in the air, kissing her soft belly.

"How about we take some lunch to Daddy?" she asked. "You can see a police precinct for the first time!"

Jamie grinned when the two arrived, taking Katherine's car seat off of Eddie's arm as he leaned down to kiss her.

"This is a wonderful surprise."

"Yeah, well, I'm feeling really good today," Eddie said, following Jamie to his office.

He set Katherine's car seat down on his desk, unbuckling her and picking her up, kissing the top of her head. He nestled her into the crook of his arm, and Eddie put a paper bag down next to the car seat.

"I'll go get the drinks and the diaper bag out of the car," she smiled. "I only had so many hands." She gestured to the paper bag. "But I got your favorite."

"Thanks, babe."

Eddie disappeared and he looked down at Katherine, bouncing her a little bit.

"Your mama is having a good day today, huh?" he asked. "That makes your daddy really happy."

When Eddie returned with the drinks, they sat in Jamie's office and ate, talking and laughing easily.

 _I'm better, I'm better!_ Eddie thought, entertaining officers as they came in to say hi and to meet Katherine. _This is what every day will be like from here on out._

"I don't know why you've been so worried about her, Sarge," one of the officers remarked to Jamie after Eddie and Katherine left. "She seems perfectly fine to me."

* * *

"I chased him for three blocks," Jamie recounted. "And that idiot kept throwing stolen stuff out of his pockets and onto the street. By the time I caught up to him, he had dumped it all, and was trying to tell me it wasn't him." He laughed. "Officer Elliot comes up behind me, hands full of stuff, and that shut him up real quick."

"Yeah, well some idiot came at me with a Swiss Army knife," Danny said. "It was like an inch and a half long, maybe. I just looked at him."

The dinner table laughed, Eddie doing so without much conviction. She used to be able to join in with stories of her own, making the family laugh or cringe. But now, her stories would only be about how much Katherine ate or pooped or that she made eye contact regularly now. She still had over a month of maternity leave left—her long maternity leave was probably a perk of being the Commissioner's daughter-in-law, and before Katherine, she had been thrilled at the idea of not missing a moment of her daughter's first three months of life. But now, she just saw a whole lot more time spent doing nothing. That was six more family dinners where she was only a spectator.

She had spent eight months practically on desk duty, and would end up with three months at home on maternity leave. That was eleven months where she hadn't been able to do her job, eleven months where Katherine had been in charge of how she spent her days.

Erin and Linda were telling stories now, too, and Eddie wanted to yell that it wasn't fair—they were mothers, too, and they still got to _do_ things. A voice in the back of her mind told her that they had once been where she was, and she would one day be where they were, but that voice was drowned out by the one screaming that this wasn't fair and it was all Katherine's fault.

And then, guilt crashed into her like a bullet to the gut. What kind of mother thought that about her baby? What kind of mom resented her baby for taking up her time? She should be so grateful, grateful that she had a healthy baby, grateful that she had so much time to spend with her.

She clenched her fists, digging her nails into her palms to keep herself from crying or yelling or throwing up.

"You didn't think that was funny, Eddie?" Henry asked. "Come on."

The whole table was looking at her now, their laughter fading.

"Aunt Eddie, are you okay?" Nicki asked, and she shook her head.

"Sorry, I just don't feel very good."

Jamie's hand came to rest on her thigh, and she avoided his eyes.

"If you all don't mind, I think I'm going to go upstairs and lay down for a little bit." Still not looking at Jamie, she added, "no one has to follow me; I'll be fine."

The silence was deafening as she got up and left the room.

She shut herself in one of the upstairs bedrooms, leaving the light off and crawling under the covers. She pulled the blankets up to her chin and turned into one of the pillows, suddenly sobbing uncontrollably.

Downstairs, Jamie waited a moment before putting his fork down, standing up with the intention of following his wife.

"Son," Frank said, a commanding tone to his voice. "Sit down."

"But Dad—"

"She's made it clear that she wants to be left alone."

"Dad, there's something wrong with her!"

"I think we all know that, Jamie."

The rest of the table nodded in solemn agreement, and Jamie slumped down in his seat.

"I don't know what to do anymore," he admitted quietly.

* * *

Eddie flipped through the channels lazily, looking down at Katherine laying on her chest, eating with her blue eyes darting around the room.

Eddie felt like a milk machine—barely like a human. Even the bottle Jamie gave Katherine each day had to come from her first, literally pumped out of her by a machine, like a cow. Her only purpose was to provide nutrition. It wasn't her body anymore; it was Katherine's. It had been Katherine's for over ten months now. Eddie felt like an outsider, watching. She felt like a tube of toothpaste, every drop of life being squeezed out of her, used up. One day, she would be empty, and there was nothing she could do but watch and let it happen.

* * *

Katherine's baptism went smoothly, either in spite of or because of Eddie's panicking the entire morning, paranoid that they would forget something important.

"Do we have the baby?" Jamie asked.

"Yes," she said, confused, pointing at the car seat Jamie held in his hand.

"Diaper bag? Check," he said, shifting his shoulder to show it off. "Christening gown?"

Eddie lifted the garment she had slung over her arm.

"Okay, check. Mom?" He pointed at her. "Check. Dad? Also check. We have all we need, Eddie. It's fine."

"I just want it to be perfect," she said quietly, and he nodded.

"I know. It will be."

During the ceremony, Eddie fidgeted, and then became self-conscious about it. She put all of her energy into standing still, finding that much easier to focus on than what the priest was saying.

She watched Jamie and Katherine with pride swelling in her chest. She was so in love with her little family, and so thankful for their big family standing around them. She smiled as brightly as she could for all of the pictures, her feet hurting from the heels she hadn't worn in months, her brain cloudy, and her eyelids heavy with the exhaustion that seems to be a permanent part of her life now.

They went back to Henry and Frank's for a celebratory lunch, and Eddie put all of her energy into following the conversation and contributing to it, forcing herself to eat a whole plate of food even though she felt full after only a few bites. When the family asked about dessert, she volunteered to help go get it, grateful for a break from the big group.

"Thank you," Eddie said, breaking the comfortable silence in the kitchen as she poured cups of coffee and Frank sliced cake.

"For what?" he asked.

"For having everyone over here, and cooking."

"Well, of course. You should celebrate your daughter's baptism, not have to work for it. Besides," he winked, "I didn't cook. Erin and Linda and Pops did."

"But she's your granddaughter."

He shrugged. "Well, we have everything else over here, don't we?"

She nodded, extra grateful because she knew—everyone knew—that these days, it took every ounce of energy and fight she had to do even the simplest tasks. Cleaning and cooking were impossible. Taking a shower and getting dressed felt like running a marathon. And as much as she loved this family, being around them and having to be a part of conversation was draining her to past zero.

By the time they were able to pull away from the family and get home, Eddie felt like she was dying. She couldn't concentrate on anything anyone was saying, her hands were shaking, and her limbs felt heavy and useless.

"I need to go to bed," she said, climbing in with her dress clothes still on.

Almost as if on cue, Katherine started crying, and Eddie felt her breasts twinge. Katherine needed to eat one more time before she went to bed for a few hours.

"Please, please tell me there's milk in the fridge," she begged, her voice weak.

Jamie shook his head, shifting the baby in his arms. "No, I gave her the last this morning. I'm so, so sorry, Eddie."

She pulled her shirt off and undid her bra, unable to keep herself from crying out of sheer exhaustion. Jamie placed the baby on the bed next to her, sitting with them as Katherine latched on and ate.

"I'm so sorry, babe," he said soothingly, stroking Eddie's hair as she whimpered. "You did so good today. So good. I'm so proud of you."

"I'm so tired," she cried.

"I know, baby. I know."

* * *

Eddie knew that it had been hours since she had gone back to bed, but she was still wide awake.

 _There's something wrong with me_ , she thought, and it seemed to echo over and over in her head like a chant. _There's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with me_. _I am not supposed to feel like this. I am not supposed to be like this._

 _Mothers are not supposed to be like this._

 _I am a terrible mother._

She listened to Jamie's steady breathing, wondering if he knew what a terrible mother she was. Of course he did. Jamie had had a great mother. He had great sisters who were great mothers. He had a great father, and a great brother who was a great father. Jamie was a great father. And his wife was a terrible mother.

She chewed on her lip, staring at the ceiling. If Jamie knew, why didn't he stay home more, and protect Katherine from her? _Because we need money_. Maybe that was why he scooped up Katherine the moment he got home every night. He had insisted on giving Katherine her bath the other night—did he think Eddie would drown her? Surely he didn't think that, or he would have taken Katherine and left long ago.

Maybe that's what he was planning. Maybe that's what he _should_ be planning.

She turned over to look at his sleeping form, his back to her. She knew he was talking to his family about her—"we're all a little worried, you're just not yourself lately," Erin had told her—were they helping him come up with an escape plan?

She wasn't going to let Jamie take her baby. Not without a fight. But—Katherine was Jamie's baby, too. Maybe even more so. Eddie had carried and birthed and fed Katherine, but she cried in Eddie's arms and relaxed in Jamie's. Maybe Jamie should take her away.

She reached out a tentative hand, pinching the soft fabric of Jamie's t-shirt between her fingers. She couldn't lose Jamie, either. She couldn't imagine life without him. She didn't want to.

She was just going to have to be better.


End file.
